just the two of us

Greetings Cupids,

So far these “Boredom Busters” haven’t followed a specific theme very well but today I’m going to change that. This time around I’m actually going to try and keep you entertained by delving into my “love life”, although it would be a stretch to refer to it as either “love” or a “life” if we’re being honest.

I’ve been dating recently. In an effort to expand my horizons I’ve decided to let the dark cloud of misery that follows me around rain down on as many other people as I can. While I am aware that by dating I am most likely a leaving a trail of emotional destruction in my wake, this is a chance I’m willing to take. Much as Chernobyl had a sarcophagus built around its reactor, I have built a wall around my heart which is now leaking emotional radiation causing psychological fallout and flipper babies.

An old friend of mine, let’s call him “davidc” was in town recently. After a full night of drinking we were on a brisk early-morning stroll, trusty six-pack in hand when he asked to borrow my phone. I, a trusting soul, obliged. I’m not sure how much time passed – I may have been throwing rocks at cars or sleeping on a sidewalk – but when I finally came to, my ears were assaulted by the sounds of my friend yelling into my phone.

This can’t be good I thought. I grabbed the phone from his ladylike mitts, quickly scanning my recent call history, only to be visually molested by a massive list spanning nearly a hundred calls made to every female name in my contact list.

There was the blind date I went on last week, the one that didn’t really work out. We were opposites, she makes six figures working in risk management for a major bank and I owe the IRS five figures. The date took place at the Tenement Museum in the East Village. Despite the fact that she was quite personable and nice, the date was one of the most depressing in my life. Whether that was due to my terrible hangover, the accompanying aroma, or hearing the history of disease transmitted through public housing, it just wasn’t as romantic as I’d hoped. We weren’t meant to be, but I haven’t found the time to remove her from my phone book yet.

Then there was the mysterious stranger. One morning I had woken up to a text message confirming a date for the following evening. From a girl I had never met before. Whose number had been saved in my phone. I racked my mind to try to recall what this mystery girl looked like or how I had met her – I think the scientific term for this scenario is “blackout.” I decided to be adventurous (read: desperate) and show up. I walked in and started chatting up a girl that looked vaguely familiar. What I failed to notice was the girl whom I was supposed to meet three chairs away staring at me in disgust. Woops.

There were calls to my mother, my sister, and the thirty-six year old who baked cookies and brought them to my apartment one night. I won’t even get into that.

There were of calls to ex-girlfriends of relationships past. One of whom, not coincidentally, was the only person in my contact list willing to answer their phone at 5am, which is probably how we ended up dating in the first place. We had met on YTMND, of all places. Once my friend managed to get my ex-girlfriend on the phone he seemed quite pleased with himself. Knowing how low her standards were, he promptly asked her to go out to dinner with him. Unluckily for him, she had already moved across the country to date her latest YTMND romance, syncan. I guess love was not in the stars for davidc that night.

I’ve been on damage control ever since that weekend. The plethora of text messages and phone calls made me realize two things: first, never lend your phone to a drunken Englishman, second, it’s about time for some phonebook spring-cleaning. Despite my past and present failures to show some humanity, I still enjoy the cathartic feeling of selfishly ending relationships, so for the time being I’m going to stick with it.

Any of you ladies want to go on a date?


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February 18th, 2009
1st
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also, <3 bill withers.
February 18th, 2009
4th
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He's mine.
February 18th, 2009
5th
(-1)
lulz
February 18th, 2009
6th
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You make me sad in my hollow area
February 18th, 2009
8th
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microphonetmnd please. reading makes my head explode.
February 18th, 2009
12th
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(-4)
Did you ever see his row row row boat site?
February 18th, 2009
14th
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ya i now i regret having seen it
February 18th, 2009
10th
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(-6)
http://cheetoslookalikeanalyzer.ytmnd.com/
February 18th, 2009
11th
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February 18th, 2009
15th
(1)
cool story bro
February 18th, 2009
18th
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what about dascoot? she's pretty much the only "lady" on here since heather chandelier left
February 18th, 2009
69th
(1)
WRONG
February 18th, 2009
79th
(0)
nope
February 18th, 2009
90th
(1)
But I'm a lady! I press flowers and stroke kittens and swim in rivers wearing dresses and hats and sh*t.
February 18th, 2009
92nd
(0)
Of course not! I'm a lady!
February 18th, 2009
102nd
(-1)
(For the "answer key" to my comments, watch Little Britain.)
February 18th, 2009
109th
(1)
Heather was never a lady. She was a dude with tits who liked cocaine.
February 18th, 2009
115th
(-1)
Have you met her?
February 18th, 2009
19th
(9)
I'd date you but we both have penises.
February 18th, 2009
21st
(0)
cheetos up my butt
February 18th, 2009
22nd
(2)
And just like cheronybl, you have sh*tty counterintuitive emotional control rods that increase the reaction and cause it to explode. OLOLOL
February 18th, 2009
23rd
(1)
Note that there are no pandering Cheetos sites in this post, nor anything that could aid in max's quest to clear up his debts to the IRS. For this, max should be applauded, if not for his principles or pragmatism, then for his sheer dedication to being blacked out on the pavement. We can only hope to hear of the by now almost infamous cookie-baker incident next week.
February 18th, 2009
24th
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(-8)
hey max can you get rid of alt accounts and people changing passwords of other people? (JoeyJoeF*g)
February 18th, 2009
25th
(9)
whatever you do max, don't get married. i warned you. mydrunkwife.ytmnd.com
February 18th, 2009
30th
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That Tenement actually looks nicely furnished with antiques... do you have any idea how much space like that costs in the city nowadays?
February 18th, 2009
42nd
(1)
thats what i call a cheetos boredom buster!
February 18th, 2009
44th
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I'd recommend keeping the numbers. Not so much because you'll ever call those people again, but so you can screen if any *ssh*les you don't want to talk to again call you out of the blue to ask for a ride or a place to crash.
February 18th, 2009
46th
(3)
max you are wasting news posts just so you can get to 100. why else would you post them so frequently all the sudden?
February 18th, 2009
50th
(2)
cash
February 18th, 2009
53rd
(12)
^
February 20th, 2009
207th
(1)
it's his money and HE NEEDS IT NOW.
February 18th, 2009
47th
(1)
You can have my ex.
February 18th, 2009
48th
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I get dates from hot chicks all the time because I treat them like sh*t. You should try it.
February 18th, 2009
51st
(-9)
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(-9)
MAX IS A JEW C*NT
February 18th, 2009
52nd
(2)
1
February 18th, 2009
54th
(1)
And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know
February 18th, 2009
60th
(4)
Is your sister Keanu Reeves?
February 18th, 2009
76th
(0)
LOL
February 18th, 2009
75th
(5)
That was a Dangerously Cheesy™ news post
February 18th, 2009
77th
(14)
so im confused, you're dating btape now?
February 18th, 2009
106th
(0)
What happened to Kitty?
February 21st, 2009
215th
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[ comment is below rating threshold and has been hidden ]
(0)
and they all lived happily ever after
February 22nd, 2009
226th
(0)
Old users that have long since quit have posted here, I think I will stop lurking and post too.
February 18th, 2009
81st
(0)
Sounds like someone could use a prescription for Gleemonex™
February 18th, 2009
83rd
(0)
DO. NOT. LEAVE. PHONE. UNSUPERVISED. EVER. Not even with Mom. Not even with (especially not with) Connery. ever.
February 18th, 2009
88th
(1)
Max, I will make 100 YTMNDs all to say bring back the old YTMND shirts, you can prevent this but bring back the YTMND shirts.
February 18th, 2009
89th
(-1)
----CHEETOS SUCKS----
February 18th, 2009
93rd
(1)
Chubby Girls Need Loving Too!! * The More You Know*
February 18th, 2009
94th
(1)
I would that that being an admin of a niche website that had its peek three years ago, owing thousands to the government, and getting smashed on what sounds like nearly a daily basis would have the girls crawling on all fours for you, max.
February 18th, 2009
95th
(-3)
So you're not married - guess I should have done my research before making http://flips.ytmnd.com which talks about "Mrs. Goldberg"
February 18th, 2009
96th
(0)
You're a champ Max.
February 18th, 2009
97th
(-2)
YOURE THE MAN NOW DOG MAX
February 18th, 2009
99th
(2)
Where's my child support? I'll be damned if I'm going to raise this flipper baby myself.
February 18th, 2009
101st
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you should date me!
February 18th, 2009
103rd
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(the emotional destruction thing sounds about right, just make sure it's as devastating and convoluted as possible)
February 18th, 2009
104th
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You couldn't afford me honey! *snap snap*
February 18th, 2009
105th
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Oh, and Max: I think you may be an alcoholic. Try quitting and see how your luck goes. I heard Brian Peppers was an alcoholic.
February 18th, 2009
118th
(-1)
There's been studies that shown that people who perform well under the influence consistently perform best under the influence. So every time Max makes a YTMND or makes a post, I hope he gets liquored up.
February 18th, 2009
107th
(1)
Somehow I don't think YTMND and picking up chicks really go together...
February 18th, 2009
108th
(3)
max, hope you feel better about ytmnd than moot does about 4chan. Apparently he can't get a job and can't figure out a way to make any money off of his site...
February 18th, 2009
110th
(4)
Because he doesn't answer peoples emails who legitimately wish to advertise on his site.
February 18th, 2009
116th
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(-13)
Really? How would you know? Have you tried to advertise here? Even if you did, have you not noticed all the ads that are almost everywhere?
February 19th, 2009
125th
(7)
it's okay. max will be joining me at the tappen zee soon enough.
April 1st, 2010
264th
(0)
hi moot
February 19th, 2009
126th
(37)
<img src="http://content.ytmnd.com/mootmnd.jpg" style="float: right;"><img src="/cheetos.png" style="float: left; position: relative; top: -300px;">
February 19th, 2009
127th
(10)
i for one welcome our new [dangerously cheesy] overlord.
February 19th, 2009
129th
(4)
Wait, you can post pictures in the comment pages?!
February 19th, 2009
130th
(-9)
[ comment is below rating threshold and has been hidden ]
(-9)
how about I f*ck you, green, with a broom handle?
February 19th, 2009
131st
(-9)
[ comment is below rating threshold and has been hidden ]
(-9)
who the hell is that guy? MACKS HOW DO YOU POST PICTURES IN COMMENTS?!
February 19th, 2009
135th
(13)
YES FINALLY WE CAN PUT IN HTML CODE!!! <marquee><img src=funnywebsite.com/ThumbsUp.gif alt="humor"></marquee>
February 19th, 2009
139th
(1)
is ytmnd being bought out?
February 19th, 2009
148th
(8)
At 11:38 AM, February 18th 2009, YTMND became self-aware
February 19th, 2009
152nd
(16)
Two creators crippled by debt and made uneasy by the monsters they've helped create. One of you get a sex change or both of you go gay already because you're not going to find a better match than that.
February 19th, 2009
157th
(0)
Damn it Max, where's my YTMND shirt?
February 19th, 2009
159th
(1)
lol new red user
February 19th, 2009
160th
(2)
4chan...YTMND.....(head asplode)
February 19th, 2009
161st
(-1)
[ comment is below rating threshold and has been hidden ]
(-1)
no... this cannot be. The evil that is 4khan is taking over YTMND... Must... defeat them... with volley of khanstapler... TCBCR... and F*GGOTpsa sites!
February 19th, 2009
162nd
(3)
I just want Prairiedogeric10 to read what I say on a site. He's such a well mannered young man.
February 19th, 2009
164th
(0)
I'm shocked and confused.
February 19th, 2009
166th
(0)
Wtf moot, max, and inkdrinker in the same little drop reply thing? F*ckthis?
February 19th, 2009
174th
(1)
*gape in awe at moot* *insert awkward unfunny 4chan meme in response to seeing moot* *become confused as the comment gets downvoted*
February 19th, 2009
176th
(1)
I gave up being internetfamous a long time ago. Move along. Nothing to see here.
February 19th, 2009
178th
(3)
Screech and Rick Astley just wanted to go on as washed-up has-beens from another era, happy with an occasional VH1 "Where are They Now" segment, but you bastards wouldn't leave them alone. You and your damn Legion have to dredge them through a million dumb iterations so that media critics and Critical Studies PhD students at Oberlin can jack off to their own brilliance when they discuss the relevant features of the post-structuralist, participant-reflexive media-space. Leave Britney Alone.
February 19th, 2009
179th
(1)
Inkdrinker, I suggest you watch "Cats don't Dance". It may just change your perspective on dreams and how far you are willing to go to reach them. Also, it tells you about not giving up and why that's important.
February 19th, 2009
186th
(0)
I don't think I comprehend what I am seeing... moot posting on YTMND? I think the universe just broke.
February 20th, 2009
192nd
(3)
man I just went to cheetos.com and i f*cking LET LOOSE and let me tell you it was awesome
February 20th, 2009
197th
(2)
lol hey moot you should make a new moderator system, change the worthwhile section, add a Favorite Users feature, and start selling YTMND t-shirts
February 20th, 2009
204th
(0)
Well this is new.
February 20th, 2009
205th
(4)
Max you aren't allowed to have alts on YTMND so please delete your alt :(
February 22nd, 2009
228th
(0)
f*ck 4 chan
February 22nd, 2009
241st
(0)
add moot to this: http://ytmnd.com/info/staff
February 22nd, 2009
244th
(-1)
This could easily be topped if Maddox becomes an admin at ytmnd
February 24th, 2009
257th
(0)
I drink a lot of coffee, I watch a lot of TV, but do you know what is really addictive? Heroine.
February 17th, 2010
263rd
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WHERE DID THE PICTURE OF MOOT GO DAMMIT???? well, you can all still see it here: http://version8point5.ytmnd.com
February 18th, 2009
117th
(-1)
My penis gets hard i ejaculate when the products mastered
February 19th, 2009
149th
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*stuffs balloons up top* Uh, hey Max, I have the biggest tits ever, wanna date?
February 19th, 2009
163rd
(1)
I like YTMND a lot more in its "faded glory" state. Its so much more cynical and hilarious, especially the bickering in news posts like this.
February 19th, 2009
172nd
(1)
pisstits™
February 19th, 2009
181st
(1)
Thank god, another admin...
February 19th, 2009
182nd
(1)
i should make a sequel to girlsofytmnd.
February 19th, 2009
183rd
(0)
oh wait im dead.
February 19th, 2009
184th
(0)
No girls.
February 20th, 2009
193rd
(0)
Just got back from China. Turns out YTMND isn't banned there.
February 20th, 2009
195th
(-1)
I was too distracted by Beijing's love of fried chicken and watermelon to check that out.
February 20th, 2009
203rd
(7)
I like turtles
February 21st, 2009
219th
(0)
What were you doing in China?
February 21st, 2009
220th
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I'm white and I eat at Church's. I'm usually the only white person in there.
February 23rd, 2009
247th
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I toured Beijing and Xi'an last week. Amazing experience. Saw the best (and worst) of China in just a week. That fried chicken/watermelon thing wasn't a ethnic joke by the way. They really do love the stuff. The chicken's spicier and the melon's even more watery, from what I tasted. Which is kind of a good balance, I guess.
February 23rd, 2009
249th
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Man, now I want to go to China. I love spicy chicken and juicy watermelon.
February 20th, 2009
206th
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I'm Secretary of State, brought to you by Carl's Jr.
February 21st, 2009
209th
(0)
ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS.... THE RETURN OF THE MYSPACE SUICIDE MEME?!??!?!?!?!
February 21st, 2009
218th
(-1)
Wait...we've got max and moot here? Oh god...
February 22nd, 2009
223rd
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im high and listening to kicked it in the sun by built to spill WE'RE SPECIAL IN OURT OWN WAYS, WAYS OUR MOTHERS APPRECIATE
February 22nd, 2009
224th
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I'd also unashamed of how I operated
February 22nd, 2009
225th
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I suck at grammar
February 22nd, 2009
229th
(1)
Take her to the zoo, I hear retards like the zoo.
February 22nd, 2009
230th
(1)
+ http://retardedzoo.ytmnd.com/
February 22nd, 2009
238th
(1)
Max, please post this on your facebook..... not here....
February 22nd, 2009
243rd
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February 24th, 2009
254th
(1)
i wanna finger moots hot ass
February 24th, 2009
255th
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"she had already moved across the country to date her latest YTMND romance, syncan. " kitty?
February 25th, 2009
259th
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Max Is it possible to get a second date these days without eating...pizza? Max I downloaded all new free video encoding tools and can't find two compatible codecs to make a ytmnd.
February 25th, 2009
260th
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oh wait, i have MPEG-1 working lol
June 15th, 2009
262nd
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wat